Wednesday, August 31, 2005

truth: the passive brawler

Truth has many enemies, but none ever match up. With but silence he anhilitates them all. Truth never turns down a challenge. He has no fear. He cares not what people think. He does not need supporters or defenders. He prevails at every turn, despises every attempt to take him down. He is no friend of error or deviation. He can burst out loud in laughter in a room of dispassionate souls and never feel awkward or self conscious. Truth is a vicious attacker, a brawler, but he never needs to lift a finger to finish the job. He only speaks his mind and all is accomplished. He pierces sharply, even to dividing the soul and the spirit, the motive and the intention. No one talks back to him, they only humbly bow before him. He demands submission, and he will get it - it's only a matter of time.

time to get really real

About a second and a half after posting my previous blog, I realised the irony of what I had just written. The blog came across as some no holds barred, completely unshackled expression and self revelation to the world of who I am - the good the bad and the ugly. But, only after clicking "post" do I realise how unrealistic that is, how in my human depravity I am unable to be truly honest in exposing myself. I will never truly know myself because 'the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick, who can understand it?' (Jer 17:9). The answer to that question is the following verse, and in the Psalm 139 quote, that only God searches and knows my heart; only His gaze is unclouded, piercing to the truest reality of my motives and attitudes with pinpoint accuracy.

And so, I would have to repent of some of my words and acknowledge that I will never be completely honest and open with all that's going on inside the cistern of my heart - sometimes because I will rather wish to paint myself in a better light than I ought (pride), or omit information because I simply do not really know myself like God does (ignorance).

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, so please indulge me. My posts will often be flaky and shallow. A whine here and a character assassination there. I will often cover up my true weaknesses and exaggerate my achievements; I will often think highly of my ideas as if they were original masterpieces and criticise the thoughts of others.

Change my heart O God, make it ever true. Change my heart O God, make me more like you.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's time to get real ...

No more cutesie sayings and shallow journal entries and time spent harping on the trifling things of our existence. No more political correctness and fear of being known for who I am. No more masks of unreality, cloaks of invisibility and space suits of invulnerability.

The Psalmist says, "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me ..." The question is whether I know myself; whether I'm willing to delve into the darkest pits of well-concealed secrets and thoughts that are too taboo to mention lest people think less of me. Am I willing to ponder myself, ponder God, ponder life as honestly as I know how? To speak from a mind that is fundamentally depraved and crying out to renewed to the likeness and submission of Jesus Christ? Am I willing to go out on a limb and be wrong with most of what I think, so that in humility I may change the erroneous pattern of thinking that I have embraced so dearly? As I reflect on life will not God's spirit illuminate my heart to truth although every cell of grey matter in my brain may fight to eradicate it?

In the same that deep calls out to deep, I believe that truth calls out to truth.