About a second and a half after posting my previous blog, I realised the irony of what I had just written. The blog came across as some no holds barred, completely unshackled expression and self revelation to the world of who I am - the good the bad and the ugly. But, only after clicking "post" do I realise how unrealistic that is, how in my human depravity I am unable to be truly honest in exposing myself. I will never truly know myself because 'the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick, who can understand it?' (Jer 17:9). The answer to that question is the following verse, and in the Psalm 139 quote, that only God searches and knows my heart; only His gaze is unclouded, piercing to the truest reality of my motives and attitudes with pinpoint accuracy.
And so, I would have to repent of some of my words and acknowledge that I will never be completely honest and open with all that's going on inside the cistern of my heart - sometimes because I will rather wish to paint myself in a better light than I ought (pride), or omit information because I simply do not really know myself like God does (ignorance).
Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, so please indulge me. My posts will often be flaky and shallow. A whine here and a character assassination there. I will often cover up my true weaknesses and exaggerate my achievements; I will often think highly of my ideas as if they were original masterpieces and criticise the thoughts of others.
Change my heart O God, make it ever true. Change my heart O God, make me more like you.